I'm LOUSY at being Latino

from modernparentonline.com/coach-daddy, Oct. 26:

I'm a disgrace to my people. A shame to la gente. The “Is he? / Isn't he?” exception to the rule of being Latino that leaves me neither theirs, nor yours.

I mean, look at my name: Eli Pacheco. Jewish? Mexican? Russian? Czechoslovakian?

What the hell is he?

I'm pretty brown. Wood-colored, some have said. (I prefer honey-roasted.) My dad used to call me a coconut. You know – brown on the outside, white on the inside.

I grew up in a white neighborhood, y'all. My “clan” is three generations American.

Yet, I can order lunch combo No. 3 and say “en-chee-LAH-thah de KAY-soh!” well enough to confuse Heather, the waitress.

But beyond that, I'm a sheep in wolf's clothing.

Seriously. Come shopping with me in Walmart on Eastway Drive some Sunday. It's like a Latin American Bazaar. But the Caucasians won't speak to me. They figure I don't e-speaka the English.

My Latin brothers try to speak to me in our native tongue, but quickly figure out that I'm picking up their conversation as quickly as Dan Quayle picks up sixth-grade spelling. So, that convo ends quickly, too.

p-o-t-a-t-o-e

Once, a trio of my brothers (hermanos) tried their best to converse with me in our language. When the attempts went dry, one turned to another and said in Spanish, "He can't understand Spanish. Look at his face!" Unfortunately, I know enough Spanish to place out of college foreign-language requirements … and enough to comprehend the back-handed insult, but nothing else being said.

I'm lousy (malismo) at being Latino.

I know nothing of the dance of love (bailar de amor). I stunk at baseball. C'mon, baseball! It's supposed to be in my blood. Only I'm not sure what my blood's supposed to be.

I can't even hang my sombrero (hat) on soccer. Ready for this?

Soccer in the streets Coach Eli has never played soccer (fútbol).

Ever.

While my brown-skinned brothers made like Ronaldo and Pele in the streets and in the fields, I intently worshipped a healthy white trinity of American football, Dinosaurs and Star Wars as a kid.

It gets worse.

As I attempt to find my culture and pass it on to my multi-cultural kids (Elise pointed out during the last World Cup men’s final between Spain and Netherlands that she – being both Spanish and Dutch – would win either way), I brought Elise to Las Delicias, a Mexican bakery on Central Avenue, for a daddy-daughter dateyears ago.

Ah, to be among my people. Home.

I bought her pan dulce (sweet bread) – it’s a Latino thing; nodded to the Hispanic baker (panadero) in that understanding way we Latinos do to each other; and even sprung for Jarritos, a brand of Mexican soda, for Fernando Valenzuela's sake.

Then the cashier (cajero) made the mistake of asking me something in Spanish.

I felt myself turning white before everyone's eyes.

Especially Elise's.

I stumbled. I'm pretty sure the music (musica) stopped. All eyes were on me. Suddenly, the place was full of banditos, waiting on the gringo. “Pendejo(stupid),” they said under their breath.

I turned to Elise.

"Dad, she wants to know if you want her to open the soda."

¡Aye, dios mio! Maybe the Latin blood lives on after all.

Maybe I was just a carrier. Maybe I harbored the culture of my people and passed it valiantly to the next generation, preserving the adventures of the Pacheco ranchers and the Morado farmers and the tales of Spanish conquistadors and Aztec warriors.

Eli Pacheco, you are Latino!

“Elise, mi hija, mi corazon – how did you know this?”

"I learned it on Dora, Daddy."

Suddenly, I feel very white again.

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Comment by Eli Pacheco on November 8, 2011 at 3:37pm: That's how I lost all mine, too. Just stopped using it. I think it's not such a bad thing to offer up a comment in Spanish - just think of how often those same people aren't engaged in conversation because people don't think they speak English. I would think it comes across as friendly.

Comment by Tracy C on November 7, 2011 at 10:52am: I took 6 years of Spanish in school. I can handle very basic, slow conversations, but I've lost a lot of it due to not using it. Is I see who I think is a Spanish speaking person who needs a translation, I try to jump in. However, i wouldn't just belt out a sentence in Spanish just because a Latino is next to me. I don't want to assume s/he would be happy or welcoming to it. Sometimes I'm afraid s/he'll think I'm a dumb gringa. I just don't know if it comes across as friendly, or arrogant. What do you think from a Latinos perspective?

Comment by Eli Pacheco on November 6, 2011 at 8:35am: @Rebecca: She bailed me out, didn't she? very sweet. Glad to know I'm not the only one out there! Coconuts unite!

Comment by Eli Pacheco on November 6, 2011 at 8:34am: @Irene C: Thank you! I'm glad my stumbles could provide a little levity. We are what we are, right? Thank you for sharing too!

Comment by Rebecca Pacrem on November 6, 2011 at 12:18am: Aww that's so sweet! Don't worry amigo I'm the same. I think you know more Spanish than me. ;)

Comment by Irene C on November 6, 2011 at 12:05am: That was a great post - I'm still laughing and can totally relate. Yo soy Boricua and know all about the brown on the outside and white on the inside- lol! Its too good not to share!

Comment by Eli Pacheco on November 5, 2011 at 10:59pm: Thank you! The ending almost made me cry when it happened.

thank God for Dora.

Comment by LaDonna on November 5, 2011 at 10:52pm: OMG this was really a good read. The ending made me laugh.. I will share this.

Comment by Eli Pacheco on November 5, 2011 at 10:26pm: Thanks Pamela! I definitely have some catching up to do - 80 percent of my Spanish has to do with food or cussing!

Thanks also for tweeting!