What Do You Do When Your Child Says “I Can’t”?

Has your child ever attempted something and within a few seconds turned to you and said, “I can’t”? What do you say? How do you react? For most parents, the typical response is “Yes, you can”! Sounds reasonable enough…I know I have caught myself uttering those words on more than one occasion. But, what do your words mean to your child? Do they motivate or discourage? Does your child feel like he is being dismissed…that what he is feeling is somehow wrong?

Think about something that you genuinely feel you cannot do for whatever reason, valid or not. And then imagine someone standing over you and simply replying “Yes, you can!” I don’t know about you, but when it happens to me I get more than a little perturbed. My frustration of feeling I can’t do something escalates to anger because in addition I am now feeling as if my emotions and thoughts are not being validated!

As parents, when we say these words to our children we know that behind the phrase “Yes, you can!” is a whole host of feelings and thoughts.

When we say “Yes, you can!” we are feeling…

I believe in you…

Don’t give up…

You are so amazing…

When we say “Yes, you can!” we are thinking…

You are so capable…

I want you to believe in yourself…

I want you to be confident in yourself…

Unfortunately, just as when we are on the receiving end; your children do not hear your unspoken thoughts and feelings. And because the intended message falls on deaf ears it has the opposite effect. Not only have you failed to accomplish your goal, most often the problem is compounded.

So, how do you respond in a way that will deliver your true feelings and thoughts?

First, validate your child’s feelings, “I can see that you don’t think you can do that?” “That must be so frustrating!” It is important to convey that you hear their feelings. That is not the same as agreeing with their feelings. Only that you hear what they are saying and understand what they are feeling.

Next, walk them through suggestions that will help them see the possibility that they can do it. Perhaps reminding them of other things they had struggled to accomplish but eventually did. Your goal is to give them concrete examples in their own life that will prove that their feelings of failure are unfounded, or at least not a given.

Let’s use a situation I recently experienced with my granddaughter, Kaitlyn as an example…

Kaitlyn loves volley ball and spent most of her summer enrolled in volley ball camps at our local college. The instructor was the college volley ball team coach which put the skill level up quite a bit from what Kaitlyn had been used to. During the second week of camp Kaitlyn came home with defeated attitude and told me “I just can’t do what Coach wants me to do!”

I suggested I attend practice one day so that I could see what was happening and Kaitlyn thought that was a good idea.

After the practice she said, “See, I just can’t do it!” I responded with something to the effect of “This is really frustrating for you isn’t it?” Of course this to her meant I understood how she was feeling...which opened the flood gates of tears and emotions. This is such an interesting thing with most people. When they feel you are with them, they open up and let you in even more.

As Kaitlyn, now in tears over her frustration, continued to tell me how this was going to ruin her chances of being successful at volley ball, I just listened. When it felt as though she had “gotten it all out”, I gently reminded her of our power to choose positive over negative and the power our thoughts play in our reality. Because she has been raised with this type of mindset, that had a huge impact on her and I could see her beginning to relax emotionally.

And then I half-laughingly said, “I remember a little girl who desperately wanted to have a two-wheeled bicycle without training wheels and when she finally got it she refused to peddle the bike with her feet so that she could keep her feet on the ground at all times for balance! AND I remember spending hours encouraging this little girl to pick her feet up and peddle and her responding with “I can’t!”

As Kaitlyn listened to my recollection of her adventure in learning to balance and ride a two-wheeled bicycle, she recalled having the same feelings that she was now having in volley ball…she remembered feeling so discouraged, frustrated that all the other children were jumping on their bicycles and riding away and she was basically just running down the road pushing hers. Kaitlyn shared how she just one day decided she was going for it and jumped on and peddled... determined to learn to balance…and she did!

I didn’t need to say much more at that point, Kaitlyn gained an understanding of her current situation through her own past experiences remembering the power that is within her to think positive and believe in herself.

She let go of the “I can’t” attitude and replaced with “I will”!

A later conversation with her volley ball coach also helped Kaitlyn understand that much of the success of the new skills depended on building up her physical strength in her upper arms. She now had a positive mindset, a plan to build her physical strength and was motivated to try her best with success sure to come in time.

Guide your children to find their confidence through their own experiences. When your children exclaim “I can’t” prove them wrong by reminding them of all they have done!

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